Becoming overbearing and possessive can turn a once happy, loving relationship into a relationship based on fear, jealousy and control. Possessiveness stems from feelings of insecurity in a relationship, where the possessive person doubts the love and dedication of another person and as a result, becomes jealous and controlling. This type of dynamic typically occurs in parent/child relationships and romantic relationships, but can also occur in close friendships too. Unfortunately, the more possessive someone is in a relationship, the more their partner will struggle to be free, hence making the possessive person feel even more insecure and desperate to gain control.
Overbearing and possessive people are normally strong-willed people and expect others to conform to their values and wishes. They are typically self-pitying, easily offended and find it hard to give without expecting anything in return. Possessive people are often very talkative, opinionated and argumentative.
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Natural Remedies such as Bach Original Flower Remedies may be of use. The Bach flower remedy Chicory can help in relieving possessiveness and over-protectiveness, promoting care for others in an unselfish way. It helps possessive people feel fulfilled, self-assured and worthy of love. Chicory is also good for those who make constant and unreasonable demands for attention. (Always read the label.)
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Ask yourself why you are so possessive and overbearing. Put some thought into it. Is it really due to the bad behaviour of the other person or is it more to do with you as a person or something that happened to you in the past.
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Increase your self-esteem and self-confidence to help you improve your relationships with others. See our article on having a lack of self-confidence.
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Give yourself a reality check - take a good look at those things that trigger your possessiveness and ask yourself how realistic the threat is. Is your behaviour actually making the situation worse?
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Talk yourself up - when you start feeling the twinges of jealousy and possessiveness, remind yourself that your partner loves you, is committed to you and respects you. Tell yourself you're a loveable person and that nothing's going on that you’re not aware of.
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Seek reassurance - one of the best ways to beat possessiveness is to ask your partner for reassurance. Make sure you don't nag, bully or control, instead share your insecurities and ask them to help you overcome the problem.
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Stop controlling – once you stop trying to control the other person, you will stop them wanting to escape you and you’ll have a better relationship. Let them do their own thing without nagging and questioning them the whole time.
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Stop spying – looking through the phone messages of someone you love is not acceptable behaviour. Neither is looking through their emails, pockets or sock draws for “evidence”. Same goes if you spend time each day trawling through your loved ones MySpace/Facebook pages – you need to stop.
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Get a life outside the relationship – if you have made your primary relationship the focus of your whole life, you must find other avenues of fulfillment in other areas of your life. Read our article on loneliness for tips.
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Give your loved one reassurance that you love them, but let them know that you need your space. This is often all it takes to solve the problem.
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Don’t give up your interests, friends and ambitions outside the relationship just to appease them. This will just feed their possessive and controlling tendencies and will result in you being miserable. If you already have given these things up, you must explain that you need your own life back (see above).
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